never play flip cup with pint glasses
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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