she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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