so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
