I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
