It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You're earring is so big in my mouth
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
