Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
