I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
The uberlube is also flammable
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
