Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
