I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
We have started to decorate penises.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
