We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
We have started to decorate penises.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
