you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
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That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
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I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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