I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
