i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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