mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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