I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
