is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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