Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
should my penis look like a turkey
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
