I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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