Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
