Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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