If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
