It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
