I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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