I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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