I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
