I feel great
I just peed on a car
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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