the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
