After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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