Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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