Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
