just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
