took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
