Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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