i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
