woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
