she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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