She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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