I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
