If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
