Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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