barbara walters just said penis...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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