if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
