her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
