My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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