I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Randomize
