I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
In other news, I just burned my penis
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
