No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
this boner is exhausting
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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