Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
