Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
im six kinds of drunk right now
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
