He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
