Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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