Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
