Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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