I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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