i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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